Spider Hands

by Liz Barr
April 2001
kind of Riley/f
rating: strong PG-13

Spoilers for "Listening to Fear" and "Into the Woods"

Characters, even the really skinny ones without dialogue, are the property of Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.

The story of Riley's vampire woman. Poor thing – I just wanted to give her a (solid) meal!

I look in the mirror and see fat. My cheekbones have been released from their cocoon of baby fat, but I can feel flab wobble as I move my legs. If I walk heavily – and everything I do is done heavily – my jowls shake. I think about gravity, pulling me down. I imagine myself in twenty years' time, saggy and ugly, with a face like Nixon's.

I skip lunch, and, because I get sleepy in the afternoons, I skip my classes as well. My roommate gives me a Look when she gets in, but she's only jealous of my discipline. She's always nibbling on something; she says snacks should be a separate meal.

I weigh myself naked, avoiding my reflection. If I have a long, hot shower just before I weigh myself, the mirror's too steamy to see my ugly body. I dry myself carefully, because I don't want the water to affect my weight.

I shower five times a day. Sometimes more.

My skin is covered in fine, white hair. I have spider's hands, with long, thin legs and a fat, furry centre. I try shaving the hair off, just a small patch on my arm, but it grows back darker and heavier.

I don't want to be a black spider.

My roommate takes me out to the Bronze. It's too dark to count the calories in my beer, but I decide to drink it anyway. I'll skip breakfast tomorrow to make up.

I leave early, walking home alone in the dark. Sunnydale has rules, but no one would attack a lump like me.

I hear footsteps behind me. A dark young man, heavy with the scent of beer and something else, watches me. He's thin, hungry looking.

He says, "You look like you could do with a good meal."

Stupidly, I say, "I don't want to break my diet."

He smiles. "You from around here?"

"No. I only go to college here."

He takes a step towards me, holds my spider hand in his strong fingers. "There's this local diet. Liquids only." His face changes, but I'm rooted to the ground, I can't run away. "You'll like it."

With death comes clarity, and hunger. I can hide from the mirrors and eat as much as I want. Josh helps me hunt, understanding that I'm not as strong as a vampire should be.

For the first time, I'm grateful for my roommate's constant snacking. She is sweet, rich, filling.

I weigh myself, knowing that I'll stay this way for eternity. Josh smiles, and goes hunting for me.

She stakes him, without a thought or care. I watch her in the shadows, all blond and curvy. I wonder if *she* has to count calories, and how I'll manage without Josh.

I find a place to stay, and even if it's not pretty, at least I don't have to hunt. I never get enough to eat, and it's always cold, but at least I have something.

A new one comes in, all fair hair and broad shoulders. I wonder if he'd hunt for me if I turned him. But I know the rules, and anyway, what if he ran away from me?

He smells of sweat, soap, aftershave and the Slayer. I wrap my spider hands around his wrist and drink.

END

Feedback and chocolate: elizabeth_barr@yahoo.com.au