Title: Sufficiently Advanced Magic
Summary: Hermione doesn't care for the new DADA teacher. Harry has his own theories.
Rated: PG-13
Disclaimers: Between the BBC and JKR, I own NOTHING.





Sufficiently Advanced Magic
by LizBee




While everyone else settled down to enjoy the feast, Hermione was staring at the Staff Table.

"I suppose that's our new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher," she said with a disdainful sniff. "Well, I must say, she doesn't look up to much."

Harry was surprised; it wasn't like Hermione to be so hostile to a new teacher. But he had to agree that the stranger wasn't very impressive at first look: she was small and blonde, with no chin to speak of, and was wearing a mismatched assortment of robes that made Professor Trelawney seem positively sedate. She looked, in fact, like Luna Lovegood grown up.

Still, he couldn't see what Hermione objected to. The new teacher would be dead before the end of the year anyway. Or crazy. Or in prison.

After the feast, Dumbledore rose to his feet. He gave out the usual notices -- Filch had prohibited a whole new range of novelty charms, including some that Harry had never heard of, although he was sure Ginny would be able to tell him -- and then said, "Once again, we have found ourselves with a new teacher. Here to fill the position of Defence Against the Dark Arts -- and I'm sure she'll be teaching *everyone* a few things--" Severus Snape suddenly looked like he'd swallowed something the wrong way -- "Romanadvora..." Dumbledore trailed off. The new teacher leaned over and whispered in his ear and he beamed. "Professor Romana," he said.

There was lukewarm applause. Hogwarts students knew better than to get their hopes up about a new teacher. Hermione narrowed her eyes.

"Something's not right about that woman," she said.

But she was still watching Professor Romana as they left the Great Hall, and for just a moment, Harry thought she was smiling.

*

Three weeks into term, and Hermione was still obsessed with Professor Romana. And she was spending more time than ever in the library.

"If she stays in here much longer," said Ron as they watched Hermione pull books from the shelves, "Madame Pince'll have to start paying her."

Since the embarrassing incident with the charmed spitballs, Hermione had started ignoring Ron and Harry whenever they ventured into the library. But as they wandered past her desk, Harry heard her mumbling, "Vampires, vampires ... no, it's just not right. It's not in any of the books."

He and Ron shared a significant glance.

"Mental," Ron said sadly. "It happens, you know. Too many books. Or that's what Grandma's old copies of Witch Weekly said."

"My Uncle Vernon says much the same thing."

"Then it's probably wrong. But she's still mental."

"It's quite wrong," said a new voice behind them. Harry and Ron jumped, turned, and found them face to face with Professor Romana herself.

From the other side of the room, Harry saw Hermione look up.

"Still," the Professor continued, "at least you two are in the library. Judging by your essays on the Inferi, I was beginning to doubt you were literate."

Harry blushed and Ron looked at his feet -- they had been far too busy speculating about Hermione's latest bout of insanity to pay attention to their studies -- but the Professor just gave them a wide smile and walked away.

Ron glanced at Harry. "What was that homework about again?"

"No idea."

"Vampires," said Hermione distinctly.

"Vampires, I think," said Harry.

"Right," said Ron. "Vampires it is."

They sat at the table next to Hermione's, and she even went so far as to let them use some of her books. She even paused in her own work long enough to criticise Ron's spelling. It was almost like everything was back to normal.

*

Harry had perfectly legitimate reasons to be wandering around Hogwarts under his invisibility cloak at night, but he didn't care to explain them to Professor Snape. So he ducked behind a statue of Magdalene the Marvellous, intending to hide until Snape had moved on, and he had no idea that Professor Romana was also in the area, and he had no intention of eavesdropping on their conversation.

He just ... listened. And tried very hard not to get caught.

"I was surprised," said Snape in his low, oily voice, "to hear of your appointment. I'd have thought, after the last time..."

"'Last time'?" Professor Romana sounded like she was going to laugh. "You weren't even born last time, Severus." She was moving around the Entrance Hall, tapping at stones and pillars with a small, silver tool.

It occured to Harry for the first time that he'd never seen Romana use a wand.

"The stories," said Snape ominously, "are still told." He leaned back against Magdalene the Marvellous -- for an awful moment, his boots were on the edge of Harry's cloak -- and said, rather petulantly, "I don't understand why the Headmaster made you a teacher."

"I have a gift," said Romana. "How long has this statue of Horatio the Hideous been there?"

"Three hundred years," said Snape. "It was a donation from the artist."

"Oh, good. I wouldn't want to think anyone had paid for it. Do you think I'm a bad teacher?"

"You haven't taught an ounce of magic all year."

"But I taught Ginny Weasley to make a flamethrower out of everyday household objects." Romana was examining the Horatio statue. "Magic doesn't work against everything."

With a malicious little twist to his lips, Snape said, "And how is Miss Granger?"

Harry froze.

Romana laughed. "Challenging," she said. "I've met great minds on more planets than you can imagine, but Hermione is ... extraordinary."

This was evidently not what Snape wanted to hear. He muttered something under his breath, and walked away without another word.

Harry stood up silently, hoping Romana wouldn't hear the whisper of fabric as he moved. He stretched, closed his eyes for a moment, and decided to go back to bed.

When he opened his eyes again, Romana was looking straight at him.

"Take off the cloak, Harry," she said. Suddenly she sounded weary, and old. Impossibly old, Harry thought, and for a moment he simply watched her without moving. Older than Dumbledore, even.

He pulled the cloak off.

"What are you doing at Hogwarts?" he asked.

"Saving the world," she snapped. "And trying to teach you lot something about the world."

"What did you mean," said Harry slowly, "about ... planets?"

The Professor smiled, but it seemed slightly false. "Go to bed, Harry," she said gently. "We can take care of this one."

She was walking away.

"What about Hermione?" he asked.

She snorted with laughter, but didn't answer.

*

Harry waited in the common room until Hermione came downstairs.

"Professor Romana is an alien," he said.

Hermione blinked.

"Harry," she said gently, "have you been revising for Potions on your own again? You know some ingredients have mind-altering effects if you're not careful. Professor Romana may not know as much as I think she should about some things, but she's still human. Or mostly, anyway. Probably."

*

Harry caught Ron on his way to the bathroom.

"Professor Romana's an alien," he said.

Ron blinked. "Yeah," he said. "That makes sense. Thanks."

*

Harry tried again at breakfast. Hermione ignored him, and spent the meal explaining to Lavender how Witch Weekly conveyed stereotypes as facts, thus reinforcing gender roles and the artificial divisions between witch and wizard.

*

In Potions, Harry scribbled, alien!!!!! in his textbook and passed it to Hermione under the desk.

At that moment, a shadow loomed over him, and he looked up into the sneering face of Professor Snape.

"Well," said Snape, "what does Potter have to say that's so fascinating it can't wait until lunch?" He plucked the book out of Harry's hands, preparing to share Harry's note with the class -- then he blanched and slammed the book shut.

"Rubbish," he said. Malfoy could barely contain his laughter. "Fifty points from Gryffindor, Potter, and try to remember that the Mad Muggle comics are for children."

Pansy Parkinson was giggling so hard she nearly fell out of her chair, but Hermione just sighed, shook her head and went back to measuring horned slugs.

*

Hermione may not have supported Harry's alien hypothesis, but she certainly had no love for Romana either. The Professor could barely speak a word without Hermione putting her hand up to offer a correction.

By the end of the lesson, Hermione had stopped putting her hand up and started interrupting, and Romana had stopped smiling. As they packed up their books, the Professor said, "Miss Granger? May I have a word please?"

Harry tried to send Hermione an urgent telepathic message to be careful, but Hermione's jaw was set and she looked almost pleased.

As soon as they were out of the room, Ron said, "This is bad."

"Very bad."

"Do you think she's the person-eating kind of alien?"

"No," said Harry, who had given the matter a lot of thought during Divination. "Otherwise she'd be going for Crabbe or Goyle."

"Right."

Harry was pulling his invisiblity cloak out of his bag. "Wait here," he said. "I'll save Hermione."

"Why can't I do it?"

"You're too tall. Everyone'll see your shoes."

"Oh." Ron instinctively hunched. "Right."

*

Of course, Romana could see through the invisibility cloak. Harry remembered that just in time, and ducked as he entered the classroom, hiding behind the desks. It was probably one of her alien powers. It was quite unfair.

What was also unfair was that he'd come in to rescue Hermione, and wound up barging in on a discussion about vampires.

"All the books agree," Hermione was saying, "that garlic is significant--"

"Then maybe they're talking about the wrong vampires," Professor Romana snapped.

"Eastern Hydrophobes, Faith-feeders," and was Hermione listing off every variety of bloodsucker short of a mosquito. It was all Harry could do to keep awake. As long as he knew the charms, he'd be fine.

Then Hermione started listing the charms. Harry smothered a yawn. All this nocturnal creeping around was exhausting.

Romana waited until Hermione was finished before she said gently, "But have you considered the ones that can't be destroyed by magic?"

Hermione choked. Harry opened his eyes. This sounded more interesting.

"A stake through the heart is effective, of course," Romana was continuing. "But it's rather delicate. You have to have the timing just right."

There was a knock at the door, and Snape entered.

"Now?" Romana asked.

"I suppose you could wait around," said Snape, "let chaos reign for a while ... by the way, I found Weasley lurking outside. I expect Potter is close by."

"Oh dear," said Romana. Harry tried to make himself very small beneath the desk, but Romana just said, "third desk from the back, Professor, if you don't mind."

"Stupefy," said Snape.

The last thing Harry heard before he blacked out was Snape saying, "Can't tell you how satisfying that was."

And Romana answered, "He seems like a nice boy, really ... come on, Hermione, I'll give you a proper lesson."

*

Harry woke up in his dorm. His invisibility cloak was neatly folded beside him, and there was a small pile of packages heaped next to his bed. And on each side, looking down at him, were Hermione and Ron.

"I can't believe we missed it," said Ron.

"Missed what?" asked Harry.

"Vampires," said Hermione. She was pink with excitement.

"Hermione saved the school," said Ron.

"It was Professor Romana, really," said Hermione. "And Professor Snape. They were living beneath the school, a whole nest of them. Vampires, I mean, not teachers."

"Magic didn't work on them," said Ron. "I mean, that's what everyone's saying."

Hermione nodded. "But Romana had tools -- proper technology, I mean, that worked in spite of Hogwarts -- and a crossbow, which wasn't very advanced but quite effective -- and Snape ... well, he did his part," she added grudgingly. Ron snorted.

Harry sat up and looked over the small array of gifts. Nothing really extraordinary there, a couple of boxes of chocolates from girls in lower years, a tin of Ice Mice from Dumbledore, nothing at all from Snape, and a small wrapped package whose card said it was from Romana.

"She's gone," said Hermione. She sounded unexpectedly sad. "She was only here to save the school."

Harry picked up the parcel.

"She gave me this," Hermione added. 'This' was an old fashioned pocket-watch on a chain at her waist, but instead of numbers, it had curious round symbols. "Don't stare at it too long," Hermione added. "It's a bit ... strange."

Harry stared, of course, and for a moment he thought he could feel the world turning beneath them -- but then he blinked, and everything was normal, and he felt a bit foolish.

"Go on," said Ron. "I got stunned by Snape, and I didn't get a present. What is it?"

Harry removed the wrapping paper, and they all stared at the little cardboard box in his hand. Hermione frowned, Ron looked confused, and Harry ... Harry didn't know quite what to say.

"Jellybabies?"

The others shrugged.

"I don't get it," Harry said.



end